


We'll Be All Right

by E_J_Morgan



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: AU ending, Episode: s01e09 Derailed, Gen, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 16:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17984798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E_J_Morgan/pseuds/E_J_Morgan
Summary: Reid gets injured at the end of 'Derailed' and it is the final straw for Gideon, causing him to leave the team earlier than in the canon. (Not a deathfic)





	We'll Be All Right

_“You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed.”_

_Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince_

 

 

“Go ahead. Say it.”

 

“Jason…”

 

“No, Aaron. It’s fine. You think I can’t take the truth? You think I don’t already _know_ …?”

 

The older man’s eyes flashed challengingly, while the younger of the two shook his head in tired denial. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take. This day had been…

 

“Reid’s gonna be fine.” – He said, not sure if he was trying to convince himself or his companion.

 

Gideon didn’t say anything for a while, so they both just sat there in silence, each contemplating their own tormenting thoughts while trying not to fidget too noticeably in those typically uncomfortable plastic chairs every hospital seemed to have in the waiting area, as if wanting to encourage their guests to leave as soon as possible. Well, tough luck: they wouldn’t leave. Not without their youngest accompanying them on his own two feet.

 

Not long after that, Morgan entered the building, looking disheveled and very exhausted.

 

“Is everything all right?” – Hotch inquired.

 

“Yeah, all the hostages are fine, the crime scene is secured. What about the Kid and Elle?”

 

“Elle has a mild concussion, she’s being treated right now. JJ is with her.”

 

The newcomer waited for his team leader to continue but the man didn’t offer any more information on his own. Morgan became impatient.

 

“And Reid? Come on, man! What’s up?”

 

He looked from one man to another but neither seemed very willing to voice the truth. In the end, it was his boss who finally sighed and answered.

 

“They don’t know yet. The bullet was close to his heart…”

 

“DAMN!” – The dark-skinned agent shouted, causing the people around them to whip their heads towards him and the nurses at the desk to give him disapproving glares.

 

“Just say it, Morgan. I know you’re thinking it.” – Said Gideon in a monotone voice, still staring at the floor in front of him as if it were the most interesting thing he’d seen lately.

 

Morgan pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stop an approaching headache. Confusing declarations from the senior profiler didn’t help him any right now.

 

“What?” – He asked tiredly.

 

“Leave it, Morgan.” – Hotch warned, but Gideon wasn’t done yet.

 

“Just say that it’s all my fault. That you two told me not to let him go into that train and I still insisted. Tell me if Spencer dies---” – His voice broke at that point and he had to stop for a few seconds to gather himself enough to continue. – “--- if he dies, his blood will be on my hands… It _is_ already on my hands…” – It was true. His hands were covered in the youngest profiler’s blood from the agonizing twelve and a half minutes he’d tried to keep his surrogate son alive so that the MEs would find someone to save when they arrived…

 

_“Gideon…?” – The young agent looked up at his mentor with confused eyes, having just dropped the gun he’d taken from Bryar during their battle and noticed the older agent staring at him funnily… almost as if he were seeing a ghost. Hadn’t Reid done good? He’d gotten the gun, for Pete’s sake! Who would have thought he’d stand a chance against the larger man? – “What’s wrong? Is everyone all right?” – He asked, looking around and locking eyes with all the fellow hostages. Everyone was watching him strangely and Elle had tears in her eyes. What had happened? Was she injured!?_

_He tried to step closer to her to check but his mentor stopped him with a gentle squeeze on his arm._

_“Spencer…” – The man began but then trailed off. Funny, Reid had never known him to not find the right words._

_“Heh?” – Then he started to walk towards the exit, suddenly feeling like he had to flee. Right now. But he didn’t get too far, because: 1. Gideon held him back again, 2. He felt a sharp pain in his chest. – “Ouch… What!? Ahm… Gideon? I think I might be injured just a little bit…”_

_With these words, Doctor Spencer Reid stumbled and would have hit his head against one of the armrests, hadn’t the senior profiler – who had been expecting something like that – acted quick enough and caught him. He gently lowered his charge to the floor and held him there._

_“Spencer… It’s okay… Everything will be fine.” – He reassured._

_“What happened?” – Spencer tried to make sense of everything going on around them, for the hostages were just being evacuated but he could see that Elle; who in the meantime had been freed from the handcuff (when had that happened!?) was refusing to leave and was, for that reason, currently arguing heatedly with Morgan and Hotch. JJ was standing nearby, looking scared and teary. When had his teammates arrived? He didn’t know. He couldn’t remember, and that, in itself, was the most frightening thing, because Reid always remembered everything! Not to mention the inexplicable pain… - “I don’t understand…” – He reluctantly admitted. He expected Morgan and maybe even JJ to crack a joke at that, maybe something along the lines of ‘what, there’s finally something the genius doesn’t understand? Is it even possible?’ but to his greatest surprise, none of them said anything like that. As a matter of fact, none of them said or did anything. – “Gideon…”_

_“It’s okay. It will be all right.” – Was all his mentor said but his eyes told another story: something was wrong. If only Spencer could figure out what…_

_Looking around, he saw that everyone’s mouths were moving but there was no sound coming out of them. The whole scene was as if he were watching a movie in slow motion; just like Garcia had showed him once. Then, it had been funny. Now, not so much._

_Spencer wasn’t used to not being able to follow the happenings. Usually, he was the first to catch on; the first to react. But now, as the fog was thickening and his vision blurred, he just couldn’t make sense of things…_

Morgan was angry but tried to keep it together and not to let it show. Especially for his ‘little brother’s’ sake. Because yes, he _had_ told Gideon not to let the kid go. He had told them repeatedly it wasn’t a good idea. Hell, Hotch hadn’t wanted to allow it either but, in the end, the senior profiler had won. Like always. Like three years ago when he had single-handedly decided to bring a child into the team…

 

_“Jason, come on… Twenty?” – Hotch repeated the number for the third time, still unable to believe he’d even heard right. He was waiting for the senior profiler to burst out laughing and tell him it was an April Fools’ Day joke. Never mind it was currently January and that Gideon wasn’t the type to prank anyone either._

_“He’s brilliant. You’ll see.” – The older man simply said, shrugging for good measure, indicating he already considered the matter closed._

_The second in command looked at his colleague in suspicion._

_“What do you mean by ‘I’ll see’? What are you planning?”_

_“Well, I’m bringing him in tomorrow. I chose---”_

_“WHAT!?” – Morgan who up until now had been listening to his bosses in silence, shouted at the same time as Hotch did too._

_“--- as I was saying: I chose Friday because there are less agents in the building then and he’s not good with crowds and new people. Or people in general, I guess.” – He shrugged again, turning back to the paper he was reading._

_“He’s. Not. Good. With. People.” – Hotch clarified, shaking his head in disbelief. – “Jason. Jesus, you can’t mean this!”_

_The senior profiler sighed in frustration and slowly set the paper on the table, finally looking up at his two stunned companions._

_“Why not? He’s a genius. He’s unique. He’ll be great for the team.”_

_“Except for the fact that he’s only twenty years old and not good with people, you mean. Is he also autistic?” – Morgan asked._

_“Being autistic is not the same as having autistic tendencies. Besides, he has an IQ of 187, he ought to be a bit different.”_

_“Different.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Great. Just great.” – Groaned Morgan. – “Gideon, that here is the FBI, not a kindergarten! We can’t take care of him. Who’s gonna keep him safe? He sure as hell won’t be able to take care of himself!”_

_“I will.” – Gideon said simply, and with that, the discussion was closed._

So, Gideon had won and the awkward, lanky, uncoordinated and stuttering kid had visited them the next day. He’d been so nervous he nearly choked on the coffee Garcia had prepared for him in his haste to thank her. But he had somehow made a favorable impression on everyone, including Morgan, who’d been the most skeptical about the idea.

Needless to say, soon the kid had stopped visiting – he’d moved in for good instead. Not only into the BAU but also into their hearts. And although both Morgan and Hotch had declared in advance not to bother ‘raising a kid’ and promised to ‘let Gideon deal with him alone’, in the end, the whole team had somehow ended up caring for the young man. Gideon had kept his promise too and while he let the others baby the kid whenever they wanted to, he had generally taken it upon himself to be there for every serious conversation or difficult time. He had made the decisions regarding Reid and it had always been for the best.

 

Until now.

 

“I never said it was your fault.”

 

“But you thought it.” – Gideon insisted. – “You’re thinking it right now. You’ll hate me forever if… if… if he---”

 

“Stop it. Just stop.”

 

“Why? The truth has to be told. I can take it.”

 

“Jason, Morgan’s right: shut up.”

 

“But---”

 

JJ came towards them, pushing a protesting Elle in a wheelchair.

 

“I’m perfectly fine, I don’t need to sit in this wrenched chair! Let me go, Jayjay!” – Whined the dark-haired woman who had a bandage covering the left side of her forehead where she’d been hit. Her wrist was bandaged as well, since she had injured it while trying to break free from the handcuff. Otherwise, she seemed to be all right, and she sure was as feisty as normally. If not more so. – “That’s incredulous!”

 

“Stay calm or I’ll take you back to your room.” – The media liaison answered calmly. – “Remember that the doctor wanted you to spend the night? I already bailed you out, so the least you can do is not complain about it.”

 

“But I want to see Spencer!”

 

Morgan shook his head sadly.

 

“None of us has seen him yet, Elle.” – He said before adding as an afterthought, having checked his cell: - “Garcia will be here soon. She’s managed to catch the earliest flight possible.”

 

“Good.” – Was all Hotch said before resuming his pacing.

 

**CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM**

 

It was about an hour later when Garcia arrived running and out of breath, feverishly inquiring about ‘her baby’s welfare’ that Gideon lost it again.

 

“It’s all my fault, all right!? I know it.” – He said, eyes angrily flashing at each and every one of his teammates, daring them to contradict him.

 

The computer analyst, who hadn’t had the misfortune to experience the senior profiler’s current mood yet, stopped dead in her tracks and gasped.

 

“What…? What was your fault? What happened to Spencer!? You said we didn’t know. I thought---”

 

“Hey, hey, Mama, it’s okay. We don’t know, I swear… He’s still in the OP.” – Morgan shot a dark look at their older boss. – “We’re just all very tired and worried.”

 

“Why does it take so long? It’s been hours!”

 

“Penny…” – JJ sighed. – “He was shot in the chest… I mean… It would take long to repair---” – Her voice broke and they two women embraced in order to try and comfort each other.

 

“It’s my fault, I know it’s my fault… My fault, only mine…”

 

The unit chief was about to scold his colleague again when a doctor stepped up to them. He was dressed in a white lab coat, and his nametag read ‘Dr. Barren’. He was a middle-aged, halfway balding man with tired but relieved-looking eyes.

He extended his arm toward Gideon who didn’t seem to realize, so Hotch shook it and he introduced all of them.

 

Finally, having the pleasantries behind them, it was time to ask the dreaded question:

 

“Doctor… How’s Reid?”

 

The man smiled warmly.

 

“First and foremost: he’s going to be just fine.” – He said and you could feel everyone relax instantly. – “He was incredibly lucky. In fact, getting shot in the chest with the minimal amount of injury should be taught using his example. It was a clear through and through, he remained stable during the entire process and; aside from some shortness of breath he experienced right before anesthetics; we had no trouble with him at all. The bullet passed close to the heart; dangerously so; but didn’t as much as scratch it. As incredible as it is, no vital organs were hit and luckily he didn’t lose too much blood either. There’s obviously some soft tissue and bone damage but nothing he won’t be able to handle. He should make a full recovery.”

 

The whole team remained silent while they absorbed the news: their youngest would be all right! He’d live and make a full recovery. He’d come back with all his adorable quirks and obsessive habits. He’d be able to share more statistics with them and they’d be able to look out for him again – this time even better.

 

They thanked the doctor whole-heartedly and agreed they’d be let in to their ailing colleague the next day. Until then, he would be asleep and that was exactly what they needed, too. Relieved, they prepared to make their way back to the hotel they were staying. Everyone but Gideon, who was refusing to move.

 

“Jason, come on…” – Hotch tried. – “You heard the doctor: he’s asleep and he’s not allowed visitors.”

 

“I’ll just wait here.”

 

The team leader looked at the others as if asking for help but everyone seemed as stunned at the senior profiler’s behavior as he felt, so he got no support from them.

 

“Please, you’ll pass out from exhaustion right when you’d be allowed to him. He’ll need you then, not now when you’re confined to the waiting area.” – He reasoned and felt like he was trying to convince a small child to eat the vegetables instead of chocolate... – “Just think about it rationally.”

 

“I’m staying, Aaron.”

 

The declaration had an air of finality to it, and Hotch was too tired to argue any longer.

 

“Fine.”

 

With that, the members of the BAU all left, except for Spencer who was sleeping in a room blissfully oblivious and Gideon who stayed rooted to the spot, looking helpless and still determined not to leave for a minute.

 

**CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM * CM**

 

The next morning, Hotch, Morgan, Elle, JJ and Garcia were all feeling rested and ready to finally see their youngest. They entered the hospital and the unit chief already started to look around for their senior member, trying to locate him so that they could visit Spencer together.

 

He couldn’t see Gideon anywhere.

 

“Excuse me.” – He stepped to the nurse who was reading through some notes at the front desk. – “We’re looking for our colleague. He spent the night here, probably sleeping in a chair… Early fifties, balding, a bit smaller than me…”

 

The young woman shook her head, not looking up from the paper she was reading.

 

“Sorry. My shift only began half an hour ago. I didn’t see anyone sleeping here when I came in.”

 

“All right, he’s probably with Reid already then. We’ve come to see Doctor Spencer Reid… He’s been shot in the chest and the doctor said we could see him today.” – He explained.

 

She sighed at the repeated interruption and quickly checked the patients’ list.

 

“Room 303. Third floor, to the left from the elevator.”

 

“Great. And has he had any visitors…?”

 

At that, the nurse finally looked up, eyes flashing angrily.

 

“Do I look like a hotel clerk to you?”

 

Morgan smirked and Hotch blushed probably for the first time in his life.

 

“No, no… Of course not. Sorry. And thanks.”

 

The team quickly found the room and – finding the door ajar – walked in after a quick knock.

 

They found their tired genius awake but still looking a bit drowsy. He also seemed to be---

 

“Spence! What’s wrong?” – Asked JJ in alarm, rushing to her friend and grabbing his hand gently, mindful of the IV line. – “Why are you crying?”

 

“I’m not crying.” – Protested Spencer, hanging his head and refusing to look at anyone.

 

“Kid, what’s up? Are you in pain?”

 

The team was worried. Was something wrong with their youngest? Did the doctors miss something? Was he suffering?

 

“No. I’m fine.”

 

“Sweet Cheeks, you don’t look fine. And I don’t just mean the fact that you’ve been shot…” – Garcia pointed out. – “So, what happened?”

 

Spencer just shrugged then winced in pain. Hotch was starting to get suspicious.

 

“Reid, have you seen Jason around?”

 

“No…” – It was true. He hadn’t _seen_ Gideon. He’d been most probably asleep when the man had said his goodbye.

 

In fact, Spencer thought he could remember hearing a gentle voice talking to him through the fog in his brain caused by the painkillers and exhaustion and seemed to be able to still feel a light touch on his arm and a squeeze on his shoulder, but he couldn’t be sure if it had been a memory from the train or had actually happened here in this very room.

 

The team leader was obviously waiting for some kind of detailed explanation, but the injured genius just couldn’t give it to him. He didn’t understand it himself. Again, things were happening out of his control; above his head and comprehension. Not something he was accustomed to; not something he particularly cared for.

 

“Haven’t you heard from him at all?” – Inquired Elle who seemed to be grasping the facts a bit more quickly than the others this time.

 

“Heard… no.” – He answered truthfully. He hadn’t _heard_ , at least, not for sure. And even if he had, he hadn’t understood anything, so it didn’t count, right?

 

“I’m going to look for him.”

 

“Don’t bother, Derek.” – The youngest profiler said in a monotone voice that, his friends knew, always indicated great distress. – “He’s not here.”

 

“Reid, how do you know? Did Jason say something to you before?”

 

“No.”

 

“Come on, Spence. Don’t do this. Tell us!” – JJ urged.

 

The young agent just half sat-half lay in his bed, staring into nothing. It was as if he were in shock.

 

“I’m getting a doctor.” – Announced Hotch before stepping out. Not long after that, he returned with a slightly younger but equally as professional-looking man than the doctor they had talked to the day before. – “Please, check if he’s all right…”

 

The doctor quickly checked the monitors then asked a few questions like ‘are you in pain?’, ‘does your head hurt?’ or even ‘would you like to be alone?’; and Reid answered all of them but the last one with a quick ‘no’. At the last question, he hesitated a bit but then shook his head silently. He didn’t want to be alone. He wanted to be with his team; his _entire_ team; the family.

 

Sadly, this wouldn’t happen. Never again. The family was broken and he felt sure he’d never be happy again.

 

The doctor seemed at a loss.

 

“He’s doing fine.” – He said. – “Maybe you just overwhelmed him? He’s been through a lot and needs peace and---”

 

“You can’t mean that! We’re here to make sure he’s okay! We found him like that!” – Argued Morgan.

 

“Don’t you dare suggest we’d hurt our baby!” – Garcia added, looking dangerous.

 

Spencer sighed.

 

“I am still here and can hear you, you know…”

 

“I’m sorry. I just meant that I can’t find anything wrong with you. I mean, aside from the fact that you were shot yesterday, obviously, but… well. You know what I mean.”

 

“That’s because there’s nothing wrong with me. Aside from being shot, I mean.” – The genius insisted.

 

The doctor held up his hands in surrender.

 

“I didn’t mean any disrespect. It’s clear your family is very worried about you and I wanted to put them to ease, that’s all. Your father seemed sick with concern, too, when he instructed me to---”

 

Hoch interrupted.

 

“His _father_!?”

 

“Yeah, well… He didn’t say that but I assumed he was. I mean, he seemed so anxious… He spent the night in an uncomfortable chair just so that he could come in here as soon as we’d allow it. And then when we did at the beginning of my shift---”

 

“So he was indeed here?”

 

“Sure, he couldn’t wait, nobody could have stopped him.” – The doctor nodded.

 

“And how long did he stay? Do you know when he left? Or where he is now?” – Morgan wanted to know, all the while carefully watching his ‘kid brother’ for a reaction. There was none.

 

But the doctor looked increasingly uncomfortable.

 

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on here. I have no idea where the man went and I’m sorry if he shouldn’t have been allowed in…”

 

“No, no. It’s fine.” – Hotch quickly assured and wasn’t very surprised when the man excused himself and all but fled from the room.

 

That left the BAU team minus Gideon alone.

 

“Reid, you said Gideon wasn’t here.” – Elle reminded him gently. – “So, what’s going on?”

 

Spencer shook his head.

 

“I didn’t say he wasn’t here. I said I didn’t see or hear him.” – At the confused expressions, he continued with a sad, kicked puppy-look. – “Apparently, I was still asleep when he stopped by.”

 

“Oh!”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“But… why?” – JJ didn’t understand. She knew Gideon loved Spencer like his own son, so why would he do this? And where was he now?

 

“Obviously, he only cared to see if I was alive but didn’t want to talk to me.” – Said the genius bitterly. – “And he won’t ever talk to me again either.”

 

“Don’t say that, Kid. We all know you’re his protégé. I don’t know what possessed him to leave before you woke but maybe he just stepped out to get something to eat? He was pretty spent yesterday, maybe he didn’t want you to see him looking like crap…”

 

Reid snorted at Morgan’s words, trying to decide whether his friend was really this naïve or if he thought Spencer was stupid.

 

His reaction didn’t escape Hotch’s attention. Of course. he should have known: nothing escaped the unit chief’s attention…

 

“Reid, if you know something we don’t, now would be the time to tell us.” – He warned gently but also strictly.

 

Without a word, Spencer pulled his arm from under the cover (wincing, as the movement pulled at his stitches) and handed his boss a piece of paper he’d been clutching since before he even opened his eyes that morning. A piece of paper his mentor and father-figure had left for him as means of a goodbye and explanation.

Well, a goodbye it was, an explanation… not so much.

 

Hotch opened the letter, feeling an inexplicable dread in his stomach; fearing he already knew what it was.

 

As soon as he’d unfolded the paper that had apparently been opened and closed many times already, he held it so that his teammates could read it over his shoulder as well.

 

It said in their senior member’s messy handwriting:

 

_Spencer, I’m so sorry if I’m causing you pain by leaving like that. I considered waiting for you to wake so that we could talk but in the end, I found I didn’t have the courage. Yes, Kiddo: I’m a coward and I simply couldn’t face you. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do what I need to do if I saw the hurt in your eyes; if you were looking at me, into my very soul. I didn’t want you to see how hollow I really am inside._

_I’ve been thinking about needing a change for a time now; wanting to do something completely different. Ever since Boston, to tell you the truth. You know what’s been holding me back? YOU. Only you._

_I was the one who found you at Caltech, who convinced you to not begin a fourth PhD but join the FBI instead and become a profiler. I tore you from the only home you’d ever known and brought you to DC, into a completely new environment to meet totally new people and into a world filled with horrors and tragedy. I knew you had trouble with changes but I also knew you’d be great. Now I want you to know: you’ve exceeded all my expectations. You are the best._

_I promised myself in the beginning I would always look out for you and make sure you’re all right physically and emotionally. That I won’t let you get hurt. And still, yesterday, it was me sending you into that train against Hotch and Morgan’s warnings… You could have died. You nearly did. This, I will never forgive myself._

_What good am I to anyone by now? I’m old, I’m bitter and I can’t even keep you safe anymore. I think it’s time for me to move on now and someone else to take my place. Someone who can still feel the excitement when the unit gets a case. Someone who still believes in the good in the world and that the bad can be fought and conquered._

_I’m sure the change will do good for the team and I can only pray to God, it will also do good for you. I will miss you. You’re as much my son as Stephen is, I want you to never doubt that._

_I hope we’ll see each other again one day. I will follow your career with awe for sure but I need to get my life straight and reinvent myself before I want you to see me again. Now, you’d be horrified and I don’t want that. I hope you’ll remember me like I was when we first met and I was so fascinated by your endless positive energy and your incredible brain. I want you to remember playing chess for long hours and arguing all night about philosophy and psychology theories._

_I hope you don’t hate me for doing this but I will certainly understand if you do._

_I also hope the others will be there for you and I’m sure Hotch will take good care of you. He’s always been just as protective as me (sometimes even more so, like yesterday…), despite what he might say and regardless of our prior agreement that you’d be solely my responsibility._

_I wish you the best in life and in your career! I wish you to achieve everything you’ll ever want – and even more._

_Goodbye – hopefully not forever._

_Jason_

_PS.: The letter is addressed to you and only you but don’t worry about showing it to the others. I know they’ll want to know what’s going on. Tell them I respect all of them a great deal and I’m sure you’ll all manage just fine without me._

_You’re the best team one could ask for._

Complete silence followed as everyone had finished reading. Now they were standing stunned, gaping at the letter, at each other and then – one by one – looking over at the devastated-looking young man.

Suddenly, his earlier behavior made sense: Spencer’s father had left him and his schizophrenic mother in a similar way when he’d been just a little boy, and he hadn’t spoken to his family or seen his own child ever since. The genius had come to the BAU because Gideon had asked him. He probably would never have even considered the FBI on his own, preferring academics to guns and badges. By now, they were pretty sure he genuinely liked working with them but still: it had been Gideon who was holding the kid there. Now, they weren’t sure what he’d do, especially after being gravely injured and traumatized.

 

“But… why…?” – JJ tried to make sense of what she had just read, but couldn’t seem to think of anything that would explain their senior member’s sudden departure.

 

Morgan seethed.

 

“How could he…? Especially now!? I’m going to search for him and kill him!” – Of course he didn’t mean it. But seeing the Kid’s face brought out all his murderous instincts against anyone who dared hurt him.

 

Elle and Garcia both shook their heads and the technical analyst had tears running down her face for the team, for their lost member and especially for the youngest one who would suffer the most because of it.

 

Hotch had to battle his own hurt feelings and set aside his emotions for the sake of their friend. Jason had left him as well, and without a goodbye to him. He didn’t as much as get a letter! It hurt and he found it very unfair: yes, he was unit chief; he’d taken over for Gideon after Boston, but it didn’t mean he didn’t value the older man’s opinion or help. He liked having someone to talk thing over with, someone to help him with making the hard decisions. Especially when it came to their youngest member.

Spencer would be his responsibility now. His alone. A boy who wasn’t even old enough to officially be a special agent but somehow was just that nonetheless. Someone who had been abandoned far more in his short life than anyone should ever be. Someone who undeniably had autistic tendencies and could be somewhat difficult in certain situations. A genius whose mind worked in ways he, or anyone else for that matter, could never even dream to understand. Someone who had just been injured badly and had a very difficult time ahead.

It was a frightening but also somewhat strengthening thought. He needed to forget his own heartache and concentrate on helping the team get over this. To make sure they all remained intact and wouldn’t be split because someone decided to leave them high and dry at an undeniably very inconvenient time.

 

He would do it. He was the team leader and thus, he would lead them if that was the last thing he’d ever do!

 

Hotch took a deep breath and prepared his mini speech in his head. He turned to look each of them in the eyes for a long second, finally settling on the youngest, most vulnerable member and lingering there all the while he was speaking.

 

“Jason has made his decision. He’s left the team. I’ve seen for a while that he’s been restless but I have to admit, I didn’t see this one coming either.” – Spencer was refusing to look up, having chosen to study the plain white standard hospital bedsheets instead with great interest. Nevertheless, the unit chief knew very well he was listening intently. – “I know this is hard to understand; believe me: I do. But the rest of us is still here. We’re the BAU and people are depending on us. We’re going to continue doing our work and we’ll do it just as well as before.” – He was sure it would be like that. It had to be. Gideon’s absence would not destroy them! – “The team is strong and we’ll get through this. I promise you I won’t let the director put anyone in the team who’s not approved by us all. We are important and we’ll be all right.” – He looked at everyone again. – “Do you agree?”

 

Ever so slowly, one by one they nodded.

 

“Sure, Hotch. We will do it.” – Said JJ confidently.

 

“Yes, the team will be fine.” – Declared Elle.

 

“We still have each other, right? I mean, what could go wrong when we’re together.” – Garcia added, and Morgan soon piped in.

 

“Of course. We’re the BAU and we’re still the best.” – He said with a cheeky smile.

 

All five of them turned to Spencer who could particularly feel their stares at the top of his head, without looking up to actually see them.

He knew very well what they wanted him to say. He wasn’t good with social cues but that was clear even to him. The only question was: could he say it? Did he mean it?

It was true: he had come to the FBI because Gideon had asked him. At that time, he might have gone to the Moon if the older man had asked! He’d been so drunk with the euphoric feeling of awe that a famous profiler like Jason Gideon had noticed _him_ ; the too young and too skinny nobody who didn’t have a father, no family to speak of, only a schizophrenic mother to take care of. He had never actually worked a day before and couldn’t even catch a ball to save his life, let alone fire a gun! The great Jason Gideon had wanted HIM in his team! Of course he had gone. As said before: he’d have followed the man just about anywhere. And then along the way, the iconic hero had become something akin to a father to him: a human being with faults and strengths. Someone Reid greatly admired but didn’t think of as God anymore.

Of course, in the last three years, his own position had changed as well: he wasn’t the little Kid anymore. Sure, Morgan still called him that, and he was still the youngest (and would be for a long time to come, unless the director decided to make an exception for someone else), but he had learnt a lot. He had matured. Gideon had indeed done everything to teach Spencer all he could: he had made sure they were always paired together, he took the boy with him to crime scenes and to speak to witnesses, he invited him to his lectures and even let him read his studies and articles ahead of everyone else. In the past years, they had spent more time together than either of them ever had with their own family.

On the other hand, in the background, there was always Hotch, too. Reid knew he hadn’t agreed at first to having a kid join the team but he’d been overruled by the senior profiler who – back then – had been unit chief. To his credit, Hotch had never let Reid feel any of his doubts or misgivings. In fact, he had gone out of his way to help their youngest member, while also letting Gideon handle things he wanted his way. Still, the genius knew he could always count on his boss; he was here right now in the hospital, reassuring him, caring for his welfare after all, wasn’t he?

He looked up and confidently said:

 

“Yes. I know we’ll be all right.”


End file.
